Anxiety - the unknown battle against the unknown

What you are reading here has never even been shared with my family.

When I was younger, I always thought the words "anxiety" and "stress" were reserved for "old" or "weak" people.

Until I woke up one day and could not go to work for two full days. These days were a Thursday and a Friday, and the attack continued right through Saturday until Sunday. I had never experienced anything like it before.

I felt like if I left my house that I would be:

• Arrested by the police for something I had not done, or
• Be killed by a hijacker, or
• Be attacked by an angry pack of dogs, or
• Be in a train smash.

Of course, all of these were totally and completely irrational thoughts / scenarios. Yet to me, they were BOUND to happen. There was no logical reason for it, but it was real to me. More real than anything else. 

I hid in my house for 4 straight days. I ate Pizza Hut, drank only water, and only left the confines of my bedroom to fetch pizza from the door / smoke outside. That's the extent of my movement for those 4 full days.

The next Monday, I went to the doctor. I felt stupid and weak going to the doctor for something I could not explain. The irrationality of what I had experienced was embarrassing. I thought my doctor would laugh at me, tell me to grow up, or grow a pair. And nothing could be further from the truth. 

She immediately pulled her chair closer to me. She took off her stethoscope, took off her glasses, and moved close. She looked me deep in the eyes, and with a soft, gentle voice, she said to me words that resonate in me to this very day: "You are not alone."

I immediately burst into tears. Laugh if you want, but I was not ready for those words. The power and impact of those words knocked the wind out of my sails, made me let down my defenses, and opened me up completely to what I needed to hear. Four simple words. Heartfelt and genuine. "You are not alone."

She proceeded to ask me a series of questions, and marked these off on a chart. At the end of the questions, she tallied up my answers and told me that I was anxious, and did not have depression, although anxiety could lead to it if left untreated / unsupported. She prescribed a healthier diet for me, more vitamin D (after a blood test) and very mild anti-depressants, which I was only to take half a tablet of when needed. 

I am pretty happy to say that this happened just over a year ago now, and I have only ever had another 3 panic attacks. 

However, one of those attacks happened today, though. It was in response to a situation that had been building for some time that I had not dealt with completely. I went to sleep late last night and woke up super early, excited like a little kid to go to the second day of the Boxing Day test match at the MCG. Anyone that knows me knows that it's my favourite sporting event of the year - I live for my sports and this is the cream of the crop. My wonderful girlfriend had bought her, a friend and I each a ticket to go watch today. 

However, fate had other ideas. A misplaced word and a misinterpreted sentence, and my day spiralled out of control. I had already made us lunch for the day and packed it in the Esky. We had had coffee in bed. We had had laughs in bed, played with the dog in bed. And one simple word, quite suddenly, made me spiral from being on top of the world to wrapped up in the duvet on the bed, wanting to be left apart from the rest of the world. I don't know how it happens, all I know is that it DOES happen. 

As soon as this happened, I messaged my friend to say what was going on. He immediately replied, saying that he understood, and that he was there if I needed absolutely anything. That's what friends do. 

My girlfriend, despite my (fierce and unfair) protests, also decided to give the cricket a skip and stay with me. You know what she did? She climbed into bed with me. She held me. She told me that everything would be alright. And I didn't believe her. But she kept on saying it, over and over again. 

Soon the meds kicked in, I fell asleep, and I woke up feeling far calmer than before. I was feeling more rational, and absolutely nothing had changed. 

I don't know a lot about anxiety, and I don't profess to know anything about what other people go through. I'm not even an expert on what I experience as anxiety. And I don't know how to fix it. My defense mechanism is to shut down, to shut everyone else out, until it's over. And that works for me. Is it the right way? I don't know. I highly doubt it, to be honest. Is it a way that can help someone else? I also don't know.

You see, the scary thing about mental illness is that it differs from person to person, with different triggers and defense mechanisms.

What I want from this article is to address the two types of people affected by anxiety. 

To those with anxiety: hang in there. You are loved, appreciated, valued and important. The world would literally not be the same without you. Hang in there, talk openly to good friends / family, and try to be considerate when they try to help. And get professional help. 

To those without anxiety: there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop an attack when it happens. All you can do is just be with the person experiencing the attack. Just be there for them, be around them, and listen to their irrational fears, because those fears are so real to them, they're reality. Don't fight with them. They need you. 

Remember, you are not alone.