The definitive guide to the public gent's bathroom

Yes, you read the title correctly. 

I've noticed of late that, with alarming frequency, blokes are getting the etiquette all wrong when it comes to public restroom usage. 

So, without further ado, my highly-read and much-vaunted blog needs to rectify this situation. 

Is there anything worse, as a bloke, than stepping into the sancuary that is the men's bathroom, needing to relieve oneself, just to have it end in tears because someone didn't respect the rules? No. And I'm glad you agree with me. 

The rules are quite simple, really.

1: Urinal priority.

The rule here, guys, is as follows: ALWAYS choose the urinal FURTHEST from the door. It's that easy. (The guy on the picture above breaks all the rules mentioned here. RIP, guy).

If the urinal furthest from the door is in use, you make use of the urinal FURTHEST away from THAT person, no matter how close it is to the door. After that, the next available urinal that has no-one next to it. Got it? Good.

Next, NEVER stand next to anyone already using the urinal, even if there IS space. You will note that there is always an odd (i.e. not even) number of urinals in public restrooms. This is not done by accident, and neither is it a design flaw. It is done so that there can always be at least ONE urinal between users at all times. It's that simple and not negotiable.

Now, take the example of there not being an available urinal based on the above-mentioned rules. You use the toilet. These are always enclosed in public restrooms and will give you the privacy you require and deserve. The proviso is that if you're only having a wee, that the door remains open. No-one closes the door when having a pee. That's not right. 

I think that just about covers the priority of urinal use. 

2: Urinal courtesy and pleasantries.

No talking at the urinal. Not now, not ever. It doesn't matter whether its your best mate or a random stranger you will never see again. It doesn't matter whether there is the most epic game of sport on, the most ridiculous outcome to a game, or whether his hair is green or purple. NO TALKING AT THE URINAL. Save the chatter for when you are washing your hands. 

Remember to always keep your head down and facing forward, as you point Percy at the porcelain. If you cannot do this, you may lift your head and stare at the wall directly ahead of you. Both of these require you to have an absolutely stern, serious and business-like look on your face. No smiling whatsoever. If there are head-height adverts, study these intensely.

Note: should your eyes ever wander to anywhere other than front and centre, any repercussions arising from this non-conformity are entirely your own fault. Even the police will not investigate assault at a urinal if they hear you did not observe the correct etiquette. Should you absolutely HAVE to acknowledge another person at the urinal, a quick nod of the head shall be tolerated. One nod, it needs to be quick, and that head needs to drop and face forward again.

Should anyone engage you in conversation at the urinal, it is perfectly acceptable to completely ignore them, and for you to hand out repercussions after you are outside the bathroom. It is imperative that if it was your mate that transgressed, that you hand out repercussions and also educate him, so that he does not repeat his mistakes.

Farting whilst such concentration is being exerted is always bound to happen. Should you observe this behaviour by someone else in the bathroom, you shall under no circumstances smile, laugh or acknowledge that the act ever took place. Should you be the one passing wind, you shall carry on as though nothing ever happened. This is never an excuse to look around - refer to the repercussions clause higher up. 

As you approach the end of the act of "siphon the python", an obligatory spit into the urinal will be allowed. If your spit ends up on your chin, your access to this privilege should be immediately revoked by yourself and you should really die in shame. (No dying in the bathroom is allowed, as not only does it disrupt the flow of people through the bathroom, but the authorities will also think that Oscar Pistorius is in town and no ladies will leave their houses - be considerate and die somewhere else.)

Finishing up, a quick shake or two of "Percy" needs to be performed. Note that I said a "shake or two". Not "three". Two. If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it. And for dog sakes, flush the bloody urinal when you're finished. You don't leave the toilet unflushed at home, so don't do it in public. 

Moving on. 

3: The number two (ironic, the numbering).

A few things here, as well, as people are getting this wrong as well, and this is even more disturbing than getting the urinanary etiquette wrong, guys. 

Unknown to most, having a number two is one of the most traumatic experiences a guy could ever go through. Especially if one has not been able to have a number two for a while, or has been having number twos too frequently in the past few hours. 

Always remember to have respect for fellow users of the toilet. This is especially relevant for the "after the deed" is done time. 

The first thing that needs discussing is the right to anonymity. 

The first trick to anonymity in the toilet is the telephone. We all know you like to tweet / Facebook whilst on the bog. Hell, THIS is a blog from the bog. Do us all a favour and turn your phone on silent. If this is an office toilet and we hear your phone ring, we all know who you are and will never look at you the same again, especially if you had one of those particularly disgusting number twos. You know the one - where you don't know whether the bloke in the stall next to you is going to survive this episode on the loo or not. 

Next, is the grunting. Don't. Just don't. 

After this is the exit process. The aim of this step is to exit the bathroom stall anonymously. The trick to achieving this is, just like driving, by being aware of what is going on all around you. Listen carefully. If someone is busy with the toilet paper, and they were busy with it before you, you wait. It's the priority of the toilet, and deserves the same respect that the urinal gets, possibly more. Once the person in the other stall has left, you're still not in the clear, as they will be washing their hands. Wait until such time as you will not engage them at the wash basins. 

Washing hands with someone who had a pee at the same time as you is acceptable. Washing hands with someone who had a number two at the same time is an absolute no-no, and is considered bathroom sacrilege. You wait until the coast is clear before making a hasty retreat from your bathroom still. 

Oh, and leave the bloody stall clean too. Wipe the toilet seat before you sit down and after you're done. This way, the facilities stay pleasant for everyone else. 

After all is (not) said and done, you end up washing your hands. Always wash your hands. Despite how much you may have thought you don't need to, you do. And you shall. Dry the hands quickly, and alway be mindful that there could be other people waiting for the hand dryer. You can leave with damp hands - you are waterproof. 

That, my friends, is today's pearl of wisdom. This blog will aim to be more informative and socially responsible by publishing articles such as these on a regular basis. 

I'm also wondering if women go through the same pains with public bathroom etiquette? If someone has any insight into this, please link me in the comments or let me know via Facebook or Twitter. 

If I have neglected any known etiquette rules, please let me know and I'll both add them in, acknowledge your contribution and go die of shame outside the bathroom. 

Till next time.

Lovies,

Ant